Ungrateful

Yes, I tend to go on rants about the same things, but I'm so angry right now I can hardly see straight.  And it all comes down to ungratefulness and selfishness.  I had a "friend" from work that had a beautiful baby boy last week.  Her entire pregnancy was wonderful.  She was not sick one time, she did not have heartburn, she started swelling two weeks before the baby was born, and yet she complained every single day.  She was tired.  She was mad that she couldn't drink alcohol.  That's it.  And she complained incessantly about it.  She did not even seem excited when she told me she was pregnant.  She said she was, but nothing in her actions said "Yea! I'm so excited that I can give birth to this little person who will love me forever!  I've waited for this my entire life!"  Her man was excited (I say "man" because I don't know what to call him....ex-husband, live-in, ???) , however she was not.
When we went to see her at the hospital, she did not talk once about the baby, she only griped because she had to have a c-section and it was a "horrible experience".  When offered the baby, she told us to "put him in his box".  Her husband bragged continuously about him, my husband even held him...a newborn.  We cooed over him and rocked him, while she watched tv.  The day they went home, she sent me a text that said "We are home, all is good, or as good as it can be".  Seriously?!?!  You should be on cloud 9 that your baby is healthy and gets to go home 2 days after he is born!
I would have given my left arm to have a c-section and have a beautiful, healthy baby.  I'm just so confused about how someone can not be happy at all about such a miraculous thing.  I know some people just don't want children, period.  But once you see that child, how can you not be thrilled?

Moore update

I go through spells when I feel more creative and expressive, and I guess I've been doing that lately.  I've also had a TON of energy, for some reason.  I'm gonna say it's because I finally started taking vitamins regularly.  Anyway, I've been busy with crazy stuff and not writing so here's a quick update.
I've been working around the house lately.  I finally got our "junk room" cleaned out.  Now I'm just waiting on the hubby to finish the floor in there that he started about 2 years ago. :-)  I also got the other bedroom cleaned out.  After having two different boarders in there over the last couple of years, it had gotten pretty cluttered.  I also cleaned out the laundry room and two closets (besides the closets in the other two mentioned rooms).  And, for the record, I do not like to clean at all.  Hate it.  But I like feeling accomplished.
Keith's back has been bothering him a lot again, and I hate it.  I can't do anything for him except pump him full of muscle relaxers.  And since he can't get approved for insurance, that's all we can afford to do right now.  I, however, DO have insurance now!  It's so nice to have insurance after being without for three or four years.  And I have been using it to my advantage too.  More on that later, though.
Keith & I have also been tremendously busy on the weekends.  We go to the Little Red River a lot in the summers since his parents have a house there, but Keith has also been preaching a little for a congregation nearby.  We like it a lot there, and I guess they like us too.  He preaches about once a month, and we visit there more often than that, as a good friend of ours has been preaching there also.
This past weekend we had our annual Moore family weekend.  We had a blast, as usual!  I'm so blessed to not only have an amazing biological family, but to have such great in-laws too!  And, for the record, I also have amazing friends that I consider to be family.
Well, that about sums it up for now.  Maybe next time I'll have something bigger and better to write about....

Hello Dolly!

One of my favorite movies of all time is "Helly Dolly!" and I caught it on tv this morning.  I own it but I haven't seen it in a while.  So I sat down this morning and indulged in some Barbra Streisand and Walter Mattau.  I discovered this movie about 4 years ago when my friend was rehearsing to be in the play and I thought I would watch the movie before I saw her play.  And I fell in love with it.  I like Ms. Streisand anyway but something about this movie speaks to me.  I think Dolly's character is brilliantly played by Barbra.  If I had been an actress, I would have loved to have this part, but no one could do it justice as well as her.
Walter Mattau is also pretty amazing in this.  Until I saw this movie, I had never seen him young!  I've seen him as an older man and he's hilarious.  In this, he still plays that gruff role that he's known for, but as a handsome young man instead.  He can sing very well!
I also love this movie because there is a cameo of Louis Armstrong.  He is the cutest little man I've ever seen!  I wish I had known him.  He's a brilliant singer and trumpet player but he seems like the sweetest man you could ever meet.  You can't see him without grinning uncontrollably.  So this movie makes so indescribably happy with both of their presences.
"Helly Dolly!" also has one my favorite quotes: "I have lost so many things, my job, my future, everything people think is important, but I don't care.  Cause even if I have to dig ditches for the rest of my life, I shall be a ditch digger who once had a wonderful day."  This has become my life's motto.  I tend to focus on bad things a lot, so I try to think about this.  I may not be rich or famous or have a lot of things, but I do have a lot of wonderful days.  I think I want this on my gravestone one day...

Old Photos

I've been looking through a lot of old photographs here recently. It started with making my dad's slide show for his 60th birthday. I found some great pictures of my parents, as well as some pictures from my dad's Navy days. Now I am working on making our house look like an actual home. I figure it's time since we've lived here for five years and have been married for almost seven. I kept saving wall space for our future kids' pictures, but we all know that hasn't been used so I am trying to fill the walls with other memories.
Today I ran across some pictures of my grandparents and I had an epiphany. Anyone that knows me well knows that I have struggled with depression for several years. I realized today that both times it got really bad, were right after I had lost a grandparent. I lost my dad's parents early on. (Paw-paw lost the fight against leukemia when I was seven and Maw-maw died of a brain aneurysm when I was fourteen.) So I think that because I was young and I didn't see them as much, it didn't affect me as much. Don't get me wrong, I was upset when they passed, but it wasn't the same as when my mom's parents' passed.
My mom's parents lived two miles from us and I saw them almost every day. I got off the bus at their house many days and saw them at each and every church service during the week. My Ya-ya passed December 9th when I was nineteen and it was probably one of the most traumatic things I've been through. When you are that extremely close to someone and they leave in one way or another, it hurts. No, it doesn't hurt, it tears out your heart and soul, and you look for something to fill the void, only nothing can. That was when I went through my first major spell with depression, although I didn't realize it at the time. I cried for days on end at first, and then I cried each and every month around the 9th of the month for over a year. I tried to fill the void with a relationship with someone who was utterly and completely wrong for me, which made it worse. It was only after the relationship was over that I knew something was wrong and sought out medications to help.
I stayed in the same slump for years until I met my husband and then everything changed. I had someone that I loved and appreciated and that made me feel special again. And everything was great for a while. And then a couple of years later, my Pop died, and I spiraled downward again. I did and said lots of things that I am not proud of at all. And this lasted until I sought out help once again. And finally things are better. I won't say that I don't have bad days, because I do. Today is one of those. I saw those pictures of Ya-ya today and I cried like a baby once again. But now I know that as much as I miss her and as much as I desperately want to be with her, I CAN be with her again. I know she's waiting up in heaven for me as a I type this. I only hope & pray that I can be as strong and faithful as she was so I can spend eternity with her.

Helpless Hubby

My husband has been helpless this week. On Sunday he started feeling bad and by Monday afternoon he was in severe pain. He headed to the doctor's office where he got a few shots and some prescriptions. By the time we got home, he was in the most pain I've ever known him to have. We headed to the ER, where he was diagnosed with a kidney stone and drugged up with a ton of medicine. Tuesday brought a visit to the urologist office to confirm the diagnosis. In between was filled with lots of screaming and crying and begging for the pain to be gone and throwing up. And now he STILL has not passed the stupid kidney stone. I think all he has eaten this entire week was some fries, 2 chicken nuggets, 5 crackers, a couple cookies, and 2 chicken strips. And he has not kept any of that down. Urologist appointment again this Tuesday and we'll see what happens from there. :-(

Back from being AWOL

Well, I'm back after my absence from Blogger for a while. The last few weeks have been interesting. So a few quick updates before I continue on with my thought of the day. We made it through my dad's 60th birthday bash. We had a great time and I made it through singing in front of about 30 people without having a nervous breakdown. The dentist I work with (we'll call him "Shaner") played guitar & I sang and apparently, we did quite well together. We had too much food, which was great because I thought we would run out. Dad's cake was awesome! And I think everyone had an amazing time. I'll post pics when I get them from Dad's camera.
I finished my Christmas shopping today...I think. As long as Keith finishes up the few items he is supposed to buy, that is. We've already had one Christmas, so we have three more to go.

On to other things... I have been more depressed/upset/hurt/weepy/irritated than usual for a few weeks now about the whole baby thing. And then last week my friend from work (we'll call her PIC), announces to me that she is pregnant...after trying for one month. And it completely broke me. I cried and bawled for several days. In fact, I felt terrible for not being more excited for her, so I had to write her a card telling her that I was not upset that she was pregnant, I was upset because I was not. I'm actually happy that she is having a little one! She is going to be an amazing mama! But anyway, that triggered a crazy response in me and I had to dry my eyes more than once yesterday at our family Christmas because I kept watching our cousin's baby. So I've been feeling like I've been left out. And that I can't do anything about it.
And then today my phone rang. It was a friend of mine that I used to work with, who I haven't talked to in several months. (We'll call her May) May tells me that she is having a baby. Now this would usually get the same response that every other pregnancy does for me. But this time, I was actually excited. May has been trying for ten years and has suffered multiple miscarriages and has been through artificial insemination without any luck. And now she is almost seven months pregnant after doing in-vitro fertilization. I'm am so incredibly thrilled for her & husband! She goes on to tell me how it all worked and what clinic they used and how their insurance had paid for 100% of their procedure costs. And then she says, "I'm not telling you this to make you feel bad, I'm telling you this to give you hope. Because if this can happen for us, it can happen for you too."
Wow. I'm still a little floored. It can! It can happen for Keith & me, just like it did for them! It may mean some heartache now, but I believe that it will happen. I've always known that we will have children, but you begin to doubt when it doesn't happen time and time again. I actually feel like I do have some hope now. When we stopped working together, I didn't know if May & I would keep in touch or not. And we fell out of touch until today. But now I know that we were meant to be close because I need that encouragement. I need the hope! But no one was ever able to give it to me until now. And for that, I am eternally grateful.

Just wondering.....

Have you ever noticed that the lips from Rocky Horror look like the lips from the Dairy Queen commercial? Kinda creepy...

That's all. :-)

Update...

I haven't posted in a few weeks because I've been tremendously busy. I've been working on my dad's 60th birthday party. We are having it at their local fire department, because we can use it for free and it's big enough to lay everything out. I ordered invitations today from www.vistaprint.com. I'm trying to decide on a cake design now. I want it to look like his 1947 Ford truck, and that's presenting a problem. I don't have a ton of money to spend on it so I'm trying to figure out my options for the design. I'm going to a local bakery tomorrow to see what ideas they have. Ed's Bakery has the most amazing cakes & cookies so I know they will come up with something awesome!

At the party, we are having people bring acoustic instruments so we can sit around and play and sing after we all eat. It's something Dad has wanted to do for a while, so we thought we could incorporate that into his birthday celebration. I think I am going to also buy a photo book (the kind you write in) and have everyone sign it as a guest book. Then we can put photos of the party in it & give it to Dad. For food, we are going to just do appetizers. We will have veggie & fruit trays, deli trays, chips, dips, and maybe a few more things. And, of course, the cake. We are also working on a photo slideshow to play throughout the party.

We wanted to do a more elaborate party, complete with a diner-style ice cream bar, but money would not allow it this time around. I'm sure it will still be a fun, memorable party.

So that's what I've been up to! More updates to come...

Vacation???

Well, the hubby & I just got back from Missouri a few hours ago. One of his cousins is in chiropractic school there so it seemed like a good place to go on a weekend vacation with the little bit of money we had saved up. Here are the pros & cons of the road trip.

Pros

1. We got to see Josh & Shea

2. The St. Louis zoo is amazing!

3. A little alone time with the hubby is good

4. I got to relax and read some magazines

5. Our hotel room had a jacuzzi tub

Cons

1. Six hours in the car is enough for anyone

2. Somehow I miraculously hurt my foot while walking around the zoo on Saturday. (I always seem to hurt myself in the most random ways)

3. The air conditioner in my car started blowing warm air about halfway to St. Louis, leaving us to drive way too many hours in a hot car

4. Vacation laundry!

I guess that's about it for the vacation update. All-in-all, we had a good trip. It was just a little bit warmer than we had anticipated.

Babies...

I'll start this post off by saying that I am not sad! Today I made a visit to my friend who had her first baby last weekend. He is a precious little thing and I know God has great things planned for him. This is just another one of our friends to have a baby before us.

It used to make me really upset and I would cry for days when I found out that another person would be a mother before me. And, don't get me wrong, sometimes I still get upset. But now it's different. I think a not-so-selfish side of me has come out. I've never been one of those people that got mad if you got something before me, and I don't turn my back on my preggo friends. But after trying for over 6 years, it's a little aggravating when person after person after person has a baby while we are just sitting here.

I can see now though that God has a different plan for us and that's okay. We still want to be parents very badly but I'm okay with us being the "aunt & uncle" for now. Keith & I both enjoy playing with our friends' kids and getting them little presents for no reason. That is something we may or may not be able to do if we had children of our own right now. And we do truly love our "nieces & nephews".

So if we haven't told you lately, we are so proud that all of you have become parents before us! You are amazing parents and we can't wait to learn from you!

Nice weekend again

Last weekend we had a great weekend on the river with our best friends. We spent it at my in-laws' little one bedroom cabin. Its a great little getaway, just to cook out and visit.

This weekend the hubby & I spent it at my in-laws' bigger four bedroom cabin on the other side of the river with our young adults' class from church...and a few strays too. Keith & a few other went fishing today and the rest of us just hung out. Last night we had some good food, courtesy of the hubby and his should-have-been-brother. We also had some great music from some of our strays. They are some very talented brothers & I expect to hear them on the radio someday.

Also on the music note (ha ha...I'm so funny), the hubby's cousin & I got to sing together a little. It's something we try to do but don't have much time for. He's an amazing singer & I love singing with him. He's always been like a brother to me, so it's a lot of fun. And we actually don't sound terrible together.

This time of year is a great time up at the river, so we spend a lot of time up there. We're skipping next weekend though so we can go up to St. Louis and visit another cousin & his wife. Yay for another great weekend!

Things I remember...again

I did one of these blogs a few months ago and ever since I've been thinking of things I left out that are important. Some are sad and some are happy, but all are very vivid in my mind. Enjoy...

1. Singing badly to old songs all night with my boyfriend (now husband) when we first started dating and knowing that I had just released all of the inhibitions I had

2. Seeing my Ya-ya in the hospital, knowing that it was the last time I would see her alive

3. Playing Sardines in the mall in New Hampshire

4. Watching my Pearl dog "chasing" planes out of our back yard

5. Taking 2 hour lunches with Jalynn to go eat in LR and go shopping

6. Slapping a girl when I was in the 6th grade

7. Playing with Barbies and GI Joe at my Maw-maw's house with my cousin

8. My Pop teaching me how to drive when I had no interest in it

9. Pop & Ya-ya's chicken houses

10. Riding the 3-wheeler with my friend Justin when we were kids

11. Laying on the beach on Grand Turk island

12. Cutting Allyson's hair and my instructor "fixing it" by completely chopping it off

13. My aunt trying to make me learn tree and flower names

14. My dad getting my birthday confused one year and giving me my present a whole month early

15. Moore family vacations...

That's all for today. I'm pooped after a long day. More to come...

Revelation of the Day

I was researching some stuff today for the adoption process that we have been looking into and slowing creeping toward and found something interesting. I found a website for adoption funding (www.cafaadopt.org) that had some great stuff on it. I found an article called "Should Christians Fund Adoptions?" Now I didn't read it because I wanted someone to fund my adoption (would be nice...) but it caught my attention. Here's a little of what I found there.
God speaks of taking care of orphans and widows throughout the Old Testament.
Psalm 10:14 - God is the helper of the orphans
Psalm 10:18 - God will vindicate the orphan and oppressed
Deuteronomy 27:19 - "Cursed is the man who withholds justice from the fatherless"

Then the author, B. Alan Keener, goes on to bring up a New Testament verse, just to show that the command continues throughout the new law. James 1:27 says, "Pure and undefiled religion in the sight of God our Father is this: to care for orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself unstained by the world." I have heard this verse used countless times to show that we should take care of our widows. I have heard it used a couple of times by the sponsors from the Children's Home. But I have never really looked at that verse as it being a direct command to care for orphans, as well as widows. My husband and his friend have talked about this verse a lot in the last few months and I still never thought about it like that. I think maybe God was trying to get me to see that all along.
I have always wanted to adopt, because my mother is adopted, and I love the idea of helping someone by showing them a loving, God-fearing home, when they may never get that otherwise. But now I feel more compelled than ever to do so. I feel that we should get our butts in gear and get this going. We have questions about finances because it is incredibly expensive. But I know that the money will find its way somehow, as long as we focus on what's important.

Reflection

Today has been a crazy day full of bad news. A lot of people I love are hurting very badly today. In twelve hours, I heard about 5 deaths in this immediate area. Five. There was a very bad helicopter crash last night of the Air Evac team in this area. My friend's grandpa passed away yesterday. And my friend's son committed suicide. So many people are hurting and sad and it hurts me that I have no idea what to do.

I've been surrounded by death since I was young. I grew up with older grandparents in a community full of older people. The first death I remember was when I was four. I think I started going to funerals before that. I have no clue how many funerals and visitations I've been to in my thirty years. I know that when someone dies, the best thing you can do for them is be there. You can take food and paper goods to make the time easier on them. You can take them flowers to make their house appear cheery. But you can do nothing to take the pain away. I've done these things for a long time. But what do you do when someone commits suicide? I'm not sure that there is anything you can do to make that time easier. I'm completely at a loss.

But I'm taking this time to do some reflecting on my own life. That may sound selfish but I'm trying to be better. I know now that I've been through all the funerals and death so that I can help other people. Maybe that's what God's purpose has been for me all along. I don't believe God only has one purpose for us, but maybe that's a big part of mine. I always feel obligated to do something when someone dies, whether I knew them well or not. Maybe that's the Holy Spirit guiding me into my purpose.

So now I have to figure out my purpose in this time. I'm praying that God will guide me toward what I'm supposed to do right now and that He will be a comfort and strength to so many people that are in pain.

I love Lucy!

I was watching "I Love Lucy" this morning & decided to look up Lucille Ball (for the millionth time) on www.imdb.com, my favorite website. Which also led to several of my other favorite redheads. Here's some of my favorite redhead quotes.

Lucille Ball

"The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age."

"I'm not funny. What am I is brave."

"Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead."

"A man who correctly guesses a woman's age may be smart, but he's not very bright."

Bette Midler

"I try not to drink too much, because when I'm drunk, I bite."

"If somebody makes me laugh, I'm his slave for life."

Carol Burnett

"Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me."

Sophia Loren

"A woman's dress should be like a barbed wire fence: serving its purpose without obstructing the view."

Julia Roberts

"I'm too tall to be a girl, I never had enough dresses to be a lady, I wouldn't call myself a woman. I'd say I'm somewhere between a chick and a broad."

Out last night...

But it wasn't last night. It was last weekend but I haven't written about it or shown pictures yet. Some friends & my hubby & I went out to a piano bar last weekend and had a blast. It's my new favorite place to go. It's nice just to relax and sing really badly to crazy songs. Going out isn't a typical thing for the hubby & me so it was nice just to get out. These are a few pictures from the night. Enjoy!

Lyrics = Life

I'm a music freak. I love almost every genre of music. It is an art form that many take for granted. I love listening to music but I also love the poetry of it. Here's a few I've been thinking about this week.

Sugarland has a song on their Love on the Inside album called Take Me As I Am. Here's my favorite part: "I know these corners, I know these streets. Curbside prophets, they're yelling at me. He can save my soul for a drink and a dollar. Yea, they're yelling about my tattoos but we all live with the scars we chose. They might hurt like hell but they all make us stronger."

Miranda Lambert's new single, Only Prettier, starts out like this: "Well I've been saved by the grace of southern charm. I got a mouth like a sailor and yours is more like a hallmark card. If you wanna pick a fight, I'm gonna have to say good night. I don't have to be hateful, I can just say bless your heart."

From one of my all-time favorites, James Taylor, Fire and Rain: "I've seen fire and I've seen rain. I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end. I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend. But I always thought that I'd see you again."

Gotta love Your Song, Elton John: "And you can tell everybody that this is your song. It might be quite simple but now that it's done. I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind, that I put down in words how wonderful life is when you're in the world."

And let's close out this blog with my favorite diva, Bette Midler. You gotta have Friends!

"Oh you got to have friends, the feeling's oh so strong. You got to have friends to make that day last long. Had some friends but they're gone, something came and took them away. And from the dusk to the dawn, here's where I will stay. Standin' at the end of the road, boys, waiting on my new friends to come, I don't care if I'm hungry or cold, I gotta get me some of the them."

Limo rides and cruises

I drive 45 minutes to work. Not through a city with tons of gruelling traffic but from the country through a city, past several rural "towns", to a small town to work in my office. Everyone thinks I'm crazy for driving so far when I could get a job 15 minutes from my house. This is why I drive.

This is my office family, minus one. (She's on maternity leave, one of my oldest friends, and consequently the reason I work with these people) And, yes, you aren't seeing things...we are standing in front of a limo. My boss is a super nice guy who feels the need to do nice things for us. I think he may be insane, but it works out well for us so we don't complain. At the beginning of this week, my boss, Dr. E, decided to close the office Thursday afternoon and take us to the movies and to dinner. So we cancelled our patients and were surprised by a limo picking us up. He footed the bill for the entire excursion.

For the last two years (the year before I started and this past year) at Christmas, he gave his entire staff a cruise. This is one of the reasons I wanted a job here so bad before I started. Fortunately, I got it and got to join them on the cruise this year.

For some people it would be torture to be sentenced to spend time with their coworkers outside of work, but not me. I love the people I work with. We get on each other's nerves occasionally but we can all look past those times. We have great professional relationships and great personal relationships.

I still can't believe that I'm able to work with such great people and that I am get rewards for working hard. I've never worked anywhere that the boss did anything more than buying us lunch on our birthday, if we were lucky enough to get that. Don't get me wrong, I've worked for some very nice, benevolent people but they weren't that gracious with their employees. But now I have that and it's amazing! Just another one of God's blessings on me....

The fruits of my labor

I think I'm going crazy. Well, my husband thinks so anyway. Here's some pictures of what I have done in the last week and a half. I wish I had taken "before" pictures.

Last weekend was when we scrubbed the house and then I cleaned out the laundry room.
















Saturday, the pantry closet was calling. So I pulled out all our crap and cleaned the shelves and threw away junk and rearranged.





















And today I've been working on our closet. I've gone through all of my clothes and pulled out everything I can't wear so I can consign it. Not gonna mess with my hubby's stuff though...he may kill me. These are the hangers of everything I can't wear anymore.
















So that's what I've been up to. Back to work tomorrow....

Cleaning....

I hate to clean. With an intense passion. I HATE CLEANING. However, I feel very accomplished today. Last night we had a big cookout/planning meeting for our Young Adults' Class from church so we had to get the house in order. So Saturday, my hubby, our housemate, and I started cleaning. We started with the kitchen, bathrooms, and living room. Sunday we continued in the kitchen and did all the floors. We also prepared all the food for the cookout. This morning I got up and cleaned...no wait, I scrubbed our laundry room. I got rid of a bunch of crap we had sitting around in there, threw away some old clothes, and cleaned the floor. It looks like a whole new room. You can walk in there and jump in a circle and not step on anything nasty. You can actually stand to fold the clothes in the laundry room. So I continued my cleaning spree with catching up ALL of the laundry. I also did the dishes from last night and picked up our bedroom. Whew! I'm exhausted. I need another day off before I go back to work tomorrow. But I'm so glad I had today off work!